Separation Anxiety

Zach has it right now. We have completely avoided this until this point but it has reared its ugly head. He goes through waves… this morning was particularly tough. He grips at me as I am trying to set him down or hand him off at school and then starts to cry or chase after me. The teachers are, thankfully, very good at dealing with this AND Zach is very easily redirected and quickly quelled by toys and/or friends.

I hate that feeling of having to smile at him and walk away while he is crying and reaching out for me. I always have those thoughts in my mind of ruining my child by making him feel abandoned and/or alone. I am grateful that he is so easily calmed and gets on with his day. I also, and hang on to your seats because my parenting anxiety is about to show, sometimes have the thought of, “if something happens to me, I don’t want that to have been our last interaction.” I know, I know- terrible but that is what that anxiety does to you, one speck of a though enters my head and then grows into horribleness. I am usually able to manage that thought pretty quickly but at times it can give me a moment of panic.

Well, to calm some of my concerns, I of course did some research to make sure I was handling this situation as well as possible.

First off, it is helpful to know that separation anxiety is a result of an important developmental connection for kids: object permanence. That is, the fact that, when you can’t see something it still continues to exist. It also comes out of kids’ inability to conceptualize time.

When your leaving…They generally say to express your love, tell them when they can expect you back, and then say goodbye. You then HAVE to leave and not come back until you said you would. This is how I have always handled it… I don’t ever go back… there aren’t ever “just one more” hugs… I leave the hugging to the new care giver and get out of sight. This is the thing… I don’t want him to be confused. I want to develop confidence in him that I have told him the situation and that I will follow through on the leaving part- that will assure him that I will also follow through on the coming back part.

I have some non-validated-by-people-that-know-what-they-are-talking-about thoughts on dealing with the anxiety if it is bad… like the kid doesn’t calm down after you have left. First, that kid might need to be taught time. First tell them you are going to be back in two minutes, show them what that would mean, and then leave for two minutes and come back. This shows that you are going to come back without them feeling the enormity of the whole day. Then you can talk to them about the time that you will actually be back. This, of course, is not a Zach aged strategy… it’s for kids a bit older.

One thing I will admit to doing that I read isn’t a good idea is trying to sneak away while Zach is preoccupied with something else. Evidently that can cause additional anxiety and lack of confidence in our relationship. So, I guess I won’t be doing that anymore.

Kidshealth.org says that between 8 and 12 months is when Separation Anxiety has the highest potential of spiking and it is best not to introduce a new day care or situation where you have to leave your child with someone new during that time. Now, we all know, that might not be feasible but it’s just some food for thought.

Another thing we did (when Zach was teeny tiny and, in retrospect, probably didn’t know any better) is before we started leaving him at daycare, we went a couple times and spent a few hours playing with him at school so that he associated that place with somewhere we were and trusted as well. That would definitely pack a bigger punch with an older kid but I really thought I was being sensitive to my 3 month olds needs at the time. Aren’t I a good mother (I have to keep telling myself that as I am leaving my crying child).

So it’s not fun. Some people take the whole attachment parenting point-of-view and strap their kid on and take them everywhere. I think that is wonderful for those that can do that and feel good about it. I can’t. I really cherish the time that Zach gets to spend with OTHER people… so this is something we have to endure and work through together. In all honesty… I know Zach cherishes the time that he gets to spend with other people too… there is just some better playing that other 15 month olds do versus mommy’s silly antics. Also, daycare has a really cool softplay room.