A Conflict

Ok, so almost two years in now and this is where I am at… motherhood is conflicting.

It’s almost like I live two existences.

Let me explain.

When I am with my child… constantly needing to be on and responsible, I sometimes find myself longing to be free from the ever present responsibilities of parenthood. I want to just go home at the end of the day and put jammies on and just lay on the couch and watch bad TV. I want to go to sleep early if I want to and not worry about the slack I am making my husband pick up because I am being lazy. I want to just pick up and go out of town without worrying about accommodating a toddler. I want to be able to sit and read or play Sudoku in peace. I want to not worry constantly about how to handle different situations as to not wreck someone else’s world.

But at the same time, always when I am not with him, I longingly miss my child and want to be with him. He brings me more joy than reading and TV and sleeping ever did. My world is empty without him in it and I when he is away I can’t wait to see his smile again. I can’t wait to see what new trick he has learned. I can’t wait for him to share his world with me once again. I am often playing with him and take a moment to sit back and just be amazed with him and how great, fun, energetic, and loving he is. I feel like, without him, I would miss out on all that life can give.

And the bottom line is that I choose. I choose to be with him rather than do those other things and I would choose it every one of a million times. I do have a choice. I would miss him if I chose differently.

But it is a conflict of emotions at times.

I wish I could tell my old jammie wearing, early-to-bed, reading self to enjoy the time in life where you get to do those things because you don’t have to choose between them and a child. You are going to miss a little man if you choose to go to bed early. You aren’t neglecting anyone if you want to read quietly for a bit. You get to be at peace in one existence- enjoy that simplicity.

But the joy. Oh the joy you are in for when things get complicated.

So, in motherhood, I am stuck. But I unequivocally pick him.