Not Apologizing For My Child

Zach and I went to a holiday play date over the weekend. All of the children (approx. 8) were within 6 months of Z’s age.

Very interesting dynamic at a play group with this age of children. Someone’s child does something to another child and the mom of the doer looks over to the mom of the receiver and apologizes. My first reaction to this is (in my mind, though I’m considering verbalization) is, “you didn’t do anything- it was that little hell on wheels!” That, of course, is said (again, mentally)in my sarcastic, exaggerated tone- I do not actually believe your child is a little hell on wheels, he/she is just a toddler. Though I have this thought, I too find myself apologizing for my hell on wheels when he acts like a jerk and I am apologizing to the mom, not the child he just injured or terrorized.

I find this to be quite a psychosis… apologizing for our child acting like a child. We really need to stop that- what message does that send? Do we really want our children to feel like doing what comes natural to them at that age is wrong? Now, if you need to apologize because you have been a neglectful parent that isn’t managing, guiding, or monitoring your child, then I accept that but I don’t really know anyone like that (because you know you were asking yourself if I think that about you)- though I have seen them in restaurants and at stores.

Also, YOU are not the one that “wronged” my child- your child is. But THAT’S OK! In fact, I encourage it. Not only does this process teach responsibility and consequences, it also demonstrates that it is natural to make mistakes and how to handle it when you do.

I am going to try to start encouraging Zach to learn when and how to apologize. Right now, we are going to focus on the sign for apologizing and then we will move over to the words when he is better able to be thoughtful about his language. When Zach is accidentally (or intentionally, because we all know it happens) rude, or mean to another child I am going to tell Zach that he needs to say he’s sorry. He won’t. But the concept is there.  I feel like this will go farther than me apologizing for my child- this is, after all, an action towards trying to fix the behavior so that it doesn’t happen again.

Even if you think my methods are stupid- don’t feel like you need to apologize to me for your child. We’re cool. I have a toddler too and I know how they naturally act- I know your kid wasn’t trying to insult or damage my child. Plus I don’t want no sissy, so boy’s gotta learn how to take a hit.