Speech Delay Internal Dialogue

I’m currently in an anxiety crisis over this speech delay stuff. And again, I can’t repeat enough that, at my core, I really am not that worried about the speech delay itself. I think he will catch up. I think it will click. He isn’t even classified as having a delay right now- he is in the realm of normal and maybe this isn’t even an issue!

I’m worried that I am wrong. I am worried that I am blind to the situation. I am worried that I am just trying to avoid the hard work involved with getting him evaluated.

So get him evaluated. I kind of think that evaluators are going to err on the side of diagnosing and treating (whether to make money or just because that is what they tend to lean toward- I’m not judging). We erred on the side of caution when he was an infant- it cost us a lot of money and he was fine. His two month old body got a lot of blood drawn (to the point that we had to space it out over days because he couldn’t lose that much blood in one sitting), was put to sleep and had scans run, had light shone directly into his little eyes over and over again. I just don’t want to push something he just isn’t ready for yet.  

I want to scream and pull my hair out. That’s what’s bottled up inside.

Ok so let’s work through the process… what is the worst that can happen here. Yes, I can play this game. Realistically- he could be delayed and needs speech intervention. Where I can go in my head- he could have an impediment for the rest of his life that will get him made fun of and hinder him from success.

The worst part of all this is that I am being blinded by it to the joy of my son. I, now, am just looking for words. I, now, am always just trying to get him to talk. I, now, ignore the brilliance of his sign language in light of lack of speech.

And then I think of real issues. I think of people with sick kids. They don’t worry if their kid will talk but if they will breathe on their own.

This is so small and not even a problem yet. Just the possibility of a problem. Everyone has the possibility of many many problems. OMG what if there are OTHER problems.

Let it go.

But it’s my job to pay attention.

What if I let it go and it is really a problem. Then I will have let him down.

And what kind of mother am I that I get so caught up with something like this. THIS is NOT my child. My child is warm and loving. He smiles and waves to everyone. He gives the best hugs and loves to dance. He does everything he is asked to do. He laughs at jokes and plays with everyone. If he thinks he has hurt someone he gets tears in his eyes and gives them pats. THAT is my child… how wonderful is he! Why am I so stuck on this one thing. ONE THING THAT ISN’T EVEN A PROBLEM YET.

I’m crazy. I don’t want to instill this craziness into my child.

I’ll google it…

This site says he is fine… This one says there might be a problem… This one says you can’t intervene too early… This one says he is well within normal. This one says to calm down.

I CAN’T CALM DOWN. Why can’t I calm down. I am being ridiculous.

Ok that wasn’t helpful.

He is fine… he is fine… he is fine.